...been a long day!
This morning began with Randall throwing the mother of all fits about having to get dressed by himself. He would scream "I can't do it" and yell and cry. I finally went to blow dry my hair and I could hear him the whole time (until I got smart and closed the door). He was still screaming when I finished. Granted, it only takes me about 6 or 7 minutes to dry my hair, but still!
I sat and prayed with him and cried. I cried as I drove to BSF. I prayed as I cried. I did a lot of praying and crying.
We were a little late to BSF and it was a battle all the way in--he threw his cup on the floor and refused to pick it up, he jerked himself away from me when I went to pull him in the door (I hate it when kids jerk away from their parents--it is very disrespectful body language). It was one thing after another.
Randall was being a brat. A full-fledged, red-blooded b-r-a-t. I was ready to scream. I did hit the wall at one point at home when I was dealing with him. I had been patient through spankings, time outs, explanations, warnings... and I had had it. I slapped my palms on the wall. It didn't hurt, but it must've been hard because this evening I noticed two places where the plaster had come off the wall at nails. Oops.
Randall refused to speak to his BSF teachers and tried to run from them when they welcomed him into the room. If I hadn't already spanked him before that (enough times to last a normal child a week), I would've spanked him. But, I was all spanked out. And, it obviously wasn't working.
I was on the verge of tears during the beginning of the morning, but I was able to take my mind off of my emotions when the morning got started in the Children's Area where I was volunteering this morning. When I went to get Randall after class, he was his normal, smiling self. At one point, I passed one of the children's leaders that had seen Randall's fit in the hallway and I said, "I'd like you to meet Randall. This is Randall. I'm not sure who that little boy was this morning." That was really how I felt.
I don't know what it is that makes him behave that way, but it's almost as if a button has been pushed. Then, as if another button is pushed, he will begin to calm down. It's not anything I've said, warned about, explained or disciplined out of him. He just stops.
He did it again this evening for Slade when Slade took him to the bathroom before bed. He absolutely flat out refused to pull his pants down. It was this morning all over again.
I almost didn't post about our day. I hate the thought of anyone thinking any less of Randall based on my honesty about his stubbornness. I hate for anyone to label him based on what I've said. I hate for anyone to say he or I need counseling or medicine to deal with these issues. I know my tendency to judge moms based on how their children behave and it's wrong. But it's something I struggle with. And I hate for anyone reading this to judge me or Randall based on our day today. Although I wouldn't hold it against you.
If you had seen Randall today, you might wonder what was wrong with my parenting. I'm wondering myself. I'm not sure what to do to encourage him to be the sweet kid I see most days. I'm not sure how to discipline him when he is absolutely out of control like he was this morning. Honestly, all I can do is pray. Pray for wisdom and patience and maybe even creativity when I'm in the middle of a morning like we had. I just don't know what to do.
I am open to advice. And I'm grateful for your prayers.
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11 comments:
You know, I was a perfect parent.
Until I had a kid.
We've all been there... watching a kid throw a fit in public and silently scolding the mother for the obvious lack of discipline that must be happening at home.
But the truth is... these kids are like us. Prone to having a bad day sometimes and being willful and stubborn and refusing to do what's asked of us.
Honestly - you've done the most important thing. Prayed and asked for prayer support. You've got that from me. I admire your honesty and I can tell you - I have one of those. The sweet kid that suddenly goes into meltdown mode with confusing speed.
Your family is being wrapped in prayer.
i think some kids are just programmed where they just get completely irrational and totally loose it! micah is one of those. the past 6 months have been WAY better but the year before was SUPER TOUGH. same thing. sreaming fits like she was dying and there was NO breaking through. then as fast as it came it would leave. our kids god-parents also had the same problem with their son. we were on a mission trip in mexico and he was REFUSING to go to bed, screaming bloody murder (the sweetest thing by day, but by night....) it was so bad the police came!!!! but he eventually grew out of it. :)
the only advice i have that works with micah (which may not apply to randall) is to prepare them for everything. the latest thing with micah is when we both have to be on stage for worship. once, she didn't realize it until literally 1 minute before we were going up and she began to cry and scream. thankfully her favorite sitter took her out to the hallway. now i do my best to prepare her for every trigger i've noticed (like me leaving suddenly, or her having to do something out of the blue). start looking for those triggers to know how to prepare him.
after that incident i came up with a plan for what course of action i would take when she acted that way. i needed to prepare her for that too, because sometimes the spanking and time outs just escalated it all because she was screaming so loud she couldn't hear and i'd have to yell to get her attantion. so we let her know that if she chose to react that way, we would not speak to her, we would gently lead her to a room to be by herself until she calmed down and then she would recieve her spankings or whatever for screaming and such. that really freed me from feeling exasperated from nothing working during the episode. i just had to let her get it out. she knows too that if it's at church she will go to the prayer room to be by herself until she is done. remarkably it only takes a few minutes whereas if i kept trying to talk to her or spank her it would last forever!!!
one last thing i have found works as she is getting older and better at controling her response is to smile and speak very lightheartedly at her when i know it could possibly be looming in the air.
i KNOW your frustration and embarrasment, i'll be praying for you!!!
Add this "wrapper" to the mix of pray-ers. Don't beat yourself up too badly, Jaime. Whether you're a great or lousy parent doesn't change the fact that Rand is an individual who wants to and WILL make his own decisions, for better or worse. You just keep showing him LOVE and CONSEQUENCES.
I've probably told you this before, but my Dad always said that he had to pay my brother to be good, but as for me, "Jim is good for nothing!" I knew it was a joke, but it was true. I was the easy-going GOOD boy, and Rick was, well, Rick, darn it!
xxoo-- Uncle Phantom
You know I can sympathize with you! I have two stubborn ones on my hands- one with 'medical' issues inducing said stubborn. And the other, well, she's just 4.
In my experience with Connor when he gets out of control, unless I figure out what the trigger was, he continues to spiral because he gets more frightened and upset the more out of control he gets. Usually it has something to do with his OCD - other times its a blood sugar issue- which admittedly takes longer to solve, and sometimes can't be solved immediately. Thankfully I've learned to think two steps ahead of him and avoid most triggers these days.
Grace on the other hand is just plain stubborn. I blame it in part on her age, but mostly she's just Grace. She's the one who stood in the corner at the age of 2 for 45!!! minutes refusing to say she was sorry for giving Connor a bloody nose (on purpose). She's the one who stood at the stool in my grandmothers kitchen for an hour, head down, refusing to cooperate. In her case, I choose to ignore her. She is still disciplined, but its usually from removal of prizes, or fun stuff, because spankings don't work, I've tried. Time outs don't work with her, I've tried. So when she throws a fit because I make her wear her shoes when its 20 degrees outside, and Connor and Sadie get to pick something from the $ bin at Target for being good- she doesn't. Or computer time disappears. I can't say it works all the time- sometimes it results in another tantrum, other times, she mulls it over, and I think I'm making progress in her putting two and two together.
Good luck! Its tough!
I feel the need to clarify, when I said I ignore Grace- what I mean is since most of these tantrums happen at home, I can choose to let her throw her fit, and not engage her in an argument, which is usually what she's looking for . "Why do I have to wear shoes- I don't want to wear shoes" I simply answer "You have to wear shoes, because I have said you are wearing shoes. You can choose to put them on yourself, or I will do it for you, but we are leaving in x minutes"
I didn't want anyone to think I just let her scream and carry on forever. ;)
And I was whining about sleep deprivation and feeling overwhelmed with a 3 week old! Further proof that years of child care never prepared me for anything! I would be lost without help and prayers from friends. Praying for you and thinking of you today. But no advice because I don't know what I'm doing anymore! :)
I would NEVER judge you on your parenting or a child having a bad day. Honestly, Jaime, I think you're such an awesome mom and it's hard not to put you on some kind of parenting pedestal, because I think you're so great at being a mom. Reading this just helps me remember that you're human too!! :) Thanks for sharing.
Hey! Oh, man, I so know what you are talking about. Emily will randomly flip out like that. This morning she wanted to mop, so I got the water in the sink for her to mop with and then she decided she didn't want to mop. She has been annoyingly fickle lately and we told her a few days ago we're not going to let her keep changing her mind about everything. So I told her she had to mop. After a while of spanking, I could tell it wasn't going anywhere. So I told her to hang out on the couch. I'd set a timer for 5 minutes. When it went off, I'd ask her if she was ready to obey me with a good attitude and get no spanks or if she would disobey and get 3 spanks. She got spanks twice. The third time, she hopped up and ran into the kitchen as happy as could be and mopped the floor as soon as the timer went off. She's had a good attitude for the rest of the morning, too, even about going down for a nap, which has been a struggle lately. And she has looked for ways to help me. When the dryer stopped and I didn't notice, she went in and put all the dry clothes in the laundry basket to take up. Whoa!
The timer thing worked for Harp the other night too when she was refusing to eat. If she didn't have a bite in her mouth when the timer went off (1 min) then she would get another spanking. She only got two spankings that time too. And it was food I know she didn't like so it probably would have taken like 30 minutes without the timer thing. I thought he was so brilliant... =P
And just to make you feel even better... =P The other day, Emily threw herself on the floor in the mall, then threw herself on the floor leaving the cookie bookie, and then threw herself on the floor again at home for Harper - I don't even remember what that was about. Sometimes they just have rotten stinky days. =\
At the mall, I had Bekah in a sling and Lainey and Em were walking and I was thinking great...HOW am I going to get her to the car? I told her I wanted her to think about what she was doing. She was already going to get spanks for her fit. Would she choose to get up and walk with a good attitude and get no spanks or keep throwing a fit and get more spanks? She thought for like 3 seconds before she got up and walked. I was very relieved! lol
Jaime, I've had some doozy fit throwers - both my own and some foster kiddos. One would scream so loud and so long, that our entire family would sit on the porch - no matter the weather, so that the neighbors would not think we were in there torturing her.
I finally went about it differently (it was February and I was tired of sitting in the cold.) Instead, I made HER go out on the porch and she could scream to her heart's content. Seems it wasn't nearly as fun to be out in public acting like that and her fits became very short lived.
I understand your frustration and will be praying that you can figure out what will work for your family.
Jaime, sweet Jaime. You are an incredible mommy, and I've thought that since I met you in how you so calmly and patiently handle your little ones. These little people can make us dig down deep to the bottom of our patient bucket, and when it's all dried up, God just gives us that extra measure. He has to! I don't know if you how hard Allie has been...her whole life. WE just don't have the problems with Mary that we do with Allie...even though Mary is in the prime of 2 to 3! We still struggle with Allie every single day....the attitude, the self will, the arguing. I think these type kids become GREAT people of God because of their determination and stubbornness and drive. I know you know all this, but I'm just encouraging you in that we ALL lose our patients. If we could all be flies on the wall in other homes we will find, that God gave us all that "button", and we all fail because we are all human. Hang in there. I found something that I feel is so valuable. Let me find the link. http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/11/seven-prayers-day.html
Check that out. I really appreciated the scriptures she used to pray over her children. IT's encouraging. Hang in there!
Oh Jaime-First all I think you are such a sweet mommy, the way you softly talk to your children just amazes me. Luke does the same fits its crazy that they could just flop around on the floor, today it was because his dessert was too small. Amazing, so off to bed with no dessert. Praying is the only thing we can do. Let me know if you find anything that does work. **WINK**
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