Doing the right thing

Some issues that come up in parenting are more difficult than others and have the potential to be important life lessons. We recently had one such issue.

I received a letter in the mail from Russell's school saying that he had scratched his name and a friend's name into a library table. He was sent to the principal's office, the counselor's office, and got lunch detention and no recess. Woah.

And we knew nothing of this, even though it had happened a week and a half before. It happened on a Thursday, Russ was sick and missed school Friday and then the next week was Spring Break. So, I'm assuming it got mailed the Monday after Spring Break and we received it Tuesday. Whew.

Everything in me just thought, "There is no way this is my child. There must be some mistake. Maybe someone else blamed him." But, I knew the school wouldn't make a mistake, so it needed to be dealt with.

I think the hardest part was that Russ hadn't told us. The school handled it and I was okay with how they handled it and I think he deserved the lunch detention and lack of recess, but I felt so sad that Russell hadn't told us. It felt like he was being sneaky and dishonest and that isn't normal for him.

I thought and prayed about it all the way to school to pick kiddos up and then asked my mom's advice, too. I felt like this was a big deal and I wanted to make sure I handled it well because it was a good teaching opportunity. I didn't want to shame Russ, but I did want him to feel ashamed of what he had done. I didn't want to guilt him, but I wanted to see remorse.

I decided spanking wasn't necessary, I would just use natural consequences. So, when we got home, I handed him the letter I had received and let him read it. "Is that familiar," I asked. He said yes quietly. I told him to go to his room and joined him after I had gotten everyone else a snack.

As soon as I walked in and said, "What was that all about?" he said, "I didn't know it was going to permanently scratch it" and began to cry. I can't tell you how much that encouraged me. He felt badly for what he had done. If he hadn't, then the consequence might not have been accepted as being fair and not just me being mean.

I sat on his bed with him and we talked through what had happened. He said his friend told him to do it. I skipped the if-your-friend-told-you-to-jump-off-a-cliff-would-you? angle and simply said, "Sometimes our friends tell us to do things and we need to think it through and decide if it's a good idea or a bad idea. I think this was one of those times where it was a bad idea." He agreed.

He told me what had happened and how he had gone to the principal's office and the counselor's office and what they had said. We talked for a while and I told him that even though it was an accident that it scratched the table, he had purposefully marked on the table and he knew better than to do that. And, accident or not, he had scratched the table and the school had to replace it.

So, I told him that he was going to have to write three letters of apology (to his teacher, principal and counselor) and then hand deliver them with a verbal apology as well. Then he would have to do extra chores to earn some of the money for the table. He nodded. I asked if he thought it was fair and he said no. I asked what he thought would be fair and he said nothing. I told him that no, it would not be fair or okay for him to do nothing. He had made a bad choice and he needed to make it right. He nodded again and I was pleased to see that he wasn't angry, just sad and maybe a little embarrassed. I made sure to let him know that Slade and I loved him and that him making a bad decision didn't change our love one bit. But, because we loved him, we wanted to teach him how to handle the situation the best way.

Here are his apology letters. I am not trying to embarrass him by posting these or even by posting this whole experience, but it was a big deal and I was very proud of how he reacted and with the lesson he learned through it. He wrote the letters all by himself, with no coaching from me (except to add to each one at the end that he wouldn't do it again).

To his teacher, Ms. Whitaker.


To the principal, Mrs. Wilson. I love his closing...


To the counselor, Mrs. Adams.


So, yesterday, I went and talked with the principal before having lunch with him. She was very nice and yet didn't act like it was no big deal. I told her that Russ had a note of apology for her and that he was going to do extra chores to earn some of the money for the table. She said it was costing the school $120 to replace the laminate on the table. Ouch! She didn't expect us to pay anything, but I told her we wanted to. So, I think we'll have Russ earn $10 and we'll pay the remaining $50 to at least pay half. Russ only gets a doller a week for his allowance, plus a quarter for each extra chore he does, so he's going to work hard for his $10.

Mrs. Wilson was very understanding and very proud of Russ for how he had responded when she talked with him. When he gave her his apology letter, she shook his hand and said that she hoped he had learned his lesson and that she was proud of how brave he had been to do the right thing. He got a little teary-eyed when she walked away. This whole thing has made a big impact on him.

So. We survived our first big school mishap. He survived his first trip to the principal's office. Hopefully his last unless he's going in to simply say hi.

I was surprised at how much this whole situation affected me emotionally. I don't always react the way I want to when I am in a difficult parenting situation, but I really feel like God gave Slade and me wisdom as we dealt with this and that the Holy Spirit softened Russell's heart to accept the consequences as well as to have the desire to do the right thing. We don't always see remorse or sadness in Russell when he sins and that has concerned us at times, but we did this time and if it took a difficult school situation to soften his heart, I say we'll take it. God is good and He has given us a wonderful little guy that we pray continues to grow and mature spiritually to be the man God desires him to be.